Being optional shouldn’t be your priority.
Too many times I have been the shoulder to cry on, the human ATM, the forgiving and overlooking friend who consistently made excuse for others actions during my time of need. Can you help me with…..oh I can’t. I need someone to talk to……oh I’m busy call me later. Can you spot me for lunch…..oh this was my last five. The lies! It’s to the point where I only depend on a small; no tiny circle of individuals who I trust with my world. Yet, I have thousands of others who labeled me optional while I find them a valued priority. Take off your blinders and realize that most people only want to take from you as a fulfillment of their needs. Are you optional to others?
I am a young man who constantly fails at realizing when i’m being used and abused in friendships and relationships. I think I detect the abuser before it gets out of hand, but I continue to stay; planted until my rage leaves me engaging in acts that I won’t discuss in this post today. It may seem as though I like the feeling of being used, but readers I don’t. It’s a horrible twist of believing someone who says they care about you (family or friend) constantly take organic kindness as a doormat for their reckless bull!@#$. It’s like stepping in the same pile of dog poo over and over again and avoiding the smell. The $#!* has to stop.
So what can my experience teach you? What can be learned from this natural reality to believe that everyone in your life feels that your existence, support, and worth are a priority? If they don’t how do you move along. First, we have to understand that we have given power to others to feel that it is alright to make us an optional part of their life. I know you might be looking at the screen stating “is this a joke”, but its the truth. We have accepted those characteristics and feelings so much that our abusers now feel that we are comfortable with being optional. We enjoy being called on in the time of wants and needs. It’s time to admit that we have allowed ourselves to become “the optional person” in lives of many others. That to me is not acceptable.
People know who they can use and abuse. They know who can be an option for this and for that. They seek out the person who will give them a “yes” although the individual is really screaming to say no. Honestly, they don’t care! So next you need to practice making your life the priority; ensuring that everyday of your life is full of things you want to do and people you want to do it with. You owe nothing to anyone or guilt for choosing to prioritize yourself. Was your abuser concerned when they called you at three in the morning crying about their lights being turned off and needing $600 to turn them back on? If the answer is “NO” then I suggest you move on. You are now preoccupied with your own life because you won’t be able to call your abuser and ask for $1 at rate you are going. Once people see that you are more indulged in you, their stance becomes different. You leave them with the choose of either staying or going. The people who want to make you a priority will stay and those still seek the handout will play elsewhere.
Here are some signs that you are optional to those you make a priority.
They call to see how you are but the conversation take turns into a rant about themselves. Next time let the phone ring! You are not Iyanla and you can’t fix their life.
You are not one of the first people to know about huge events in their life. Friend – I just left Tom’s apartment. You – I didn’t know Tom moved. Friend – Oh! He’s been living there for months now. You already know were you stand. You have better options with better apartments to visit.
They don’t support things that are important to you. As a dancer I know this all too well. Inviting people to my events and them never being available to attend. I work, how much, how long…oh the excuses. I can do one better. Sharing this blog with them and not one of them are following it. Yet, being me I buy the cookies, the shirts, donate money, take trips, pay bills, pay for drinks, and still I am the option.
They don’t mind disappointing you. This one is simple. If you say you will be there; be there!
You don’t need to wait until Spring to do your cleaning. Clean out those pest now. Make yourself obsessed with your own life that you don’t have time to support those who you are only optional to. Don’t react! Never react to those who make you their option. Never put energy into a situation that you know is not aligned to the new prioritized you. When the call comes and its about borrowing, begging, or venting you have your options ready. Make those who you once made a priority your option and lead with “Sorry…I Can’t.”
mOOd: Screaming, I caaaannnn’t like Lexi
SayWhatNOW?!?! 