Straight to the Point Saturdays

It is constantly crushing my soul…….

It’s been about two weeks since my last entry and boy were those two weeks demanding. It took a lot for me to….how can I say this….just be! I questioned a lot, I avoided a lot, I even decided to not respond to a lot, and I dared not post about a lot. I felt that by doing so I was silencing myself to listen to things around me to determine what needed to be saved and what simply had to go. The one problem that constantly screamed out was my happiness. Yes, I have blogged about this before and I probably gave out an assignment that helped us all understand/seek our happiness, but my happiness was currently being destroyed by a massive Category 5 hurricane that kept spiraling out of control and landing directly in my home front. Her name is WORK!

I typically do not like to speak of work, but why should one avoid their true feelings about a situation that consumes most of his/her life. Work should be something that is celebrated; enjoyed so much that it wakes you in the morning and keeps you up at night. You want to know the truth? Work hasn’t done that for me in years. It has been more like the opposite: keeping me stuck in the bed in the morning and shifting my sleep patterns at night. Its like the mere imagery of work leaves me void of desire and the passion to even try to mentally be present. That’s it! Passion. I have lost the passion; that fire that use to burn daily for the WORK. Thought: than it wasn’t work it was a fulfillment; I lust to be better than yesterday, so that someone will have brighter tomorrow. Now its a constant rain storm of tears soaking my eyelids, while replaying the sad ballad of “How did I get here”.

I want to get straight to the point. See a recent episode of “Will and Grace” brought me here. It helped me realize that I needed to escape the prison cell that I developed for myself, which came with a sentence that I handed down year after year. Will, this phenomenal Attorney reached his goal of becoming partner and struggled for years with acknowledging his true passion for Art. Like myself, he wore the suits, took the cases, and smiled through the mess. He would soon learn that his truth was a hatred for the job he thought he loved. I too am Will. Everything about the WORK annoys me except for one; the client. If you know what I do then I have made it easy for you; if you don’t then shame on you. I’m just playing. I’m trying to make light of this tormenting situation. I had to listen to the silence and hear that I wasn’t happy with the WORK and just because something isn’t stressful doesn’t mean that its enjoyable. I shouldn’t adopt others feelings about the WORK as mine own and I should never be afraid to voice passionate beliefs about things gone wrong. This group is sickening. I’m sure I will get stares for this on Monday, but I am use to being on my own. I needed to vent this out, before things went totally wrong.

Let me tell you….my lack of happiness in that one area has caused a downward spiral in other areas. I am quick to be disrespectful and mean to avoid others interacting with me. I consume more work, so that my mind is so busy I can’t acknowledge my frustration. I close my ears to the rumors leaders speak about me. All this in more at the place that is suppose to be like your second home or so I supposed. 

I made a list and checked it twice. I realized that nothing on that list matched true life.  It was the opposite and I have convinced myself that someday things would be get better, but it didn’t. I don’t see the silver lining. Now that I know what I want in a job, I have a better chance of going after complete happiness then hanging myself to dry in a place that has stolen my pride.

Yes, I did the hard part of letting it out. I was tired of the hurricane that constantly washed me out. I wanted the dark clouds to go and the floods to stop. I craved for the day my structure of happiness is rebuilt on the foundation that has been left to rot. This one place that I cringe to be is the one place that has become the death of me. I am unhappy there and speak vividly. I want better for myself and WORK there is not the place to be.

mOOd: I have lit the fire and I’m sure this will get shared to those who constantly have a lack of care. Just do me a favor and acknowledge your contribution, because its my lack to conform to your chaos that leaves you disappointment and in disbelief of my reality. (un-bothered)